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RED DWARF - SERIES 7
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EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE
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Version 0.5
27 February - 3 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]
LISTER
Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?
KRYTEN
Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land
a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!
LISTER
'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to
eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.
It does smell good though, what is it?
KRYTEN
Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with
green wine...
LISTER
It's space weevil, isn't it...
KRYTEN
It is not, no, sir.
LISTER
Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a
cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm
not a cartoonivore!
KRYTEN
Ta-daa!
LISTER
Lobster!
KRYTEN
Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-en-so escaped in the
hold.
LISTER
Where did you get a live lobster?
KRYTEN
The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.
LISTER
You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...
KRYTEN
You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?
LISTER
Today? Someone's birthday?
KRYTEN
Nope.
LISTER
Christmas? Easter?
KRYTEN
Nope.
LISTER
National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day?
KRYTEN
No.
LISTER
Well, what then?
KRYTEN
Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should
have a surprise celebration!
LISTER
I had no idea! Why didn't you say?
Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?
KRYTEN
Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode
of Tales Of The Unexpected.
LISTER
Eh?
KRYTEN
The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... <ahem> Never mind.
[Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT]
KOCHANSKI
Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!
KRYTEN
Go?
CAT
We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new
software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.
KOCHANSKI
Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world??
It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax
under the medi-scanner.
CAT
You found my leg-wax?
KOCHANSKI
We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land. This is gonna be *so*
great!
CAT
It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a
Mustang's exhaust!
KRYTEN
But, what about the supper??
LISTER
The thing is... we didn't *know*.
KOCHANSKI
Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.
KRYTEN
But, I mean, it's just --
KOCHANSKI
Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in
something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or
the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game...
We'll have it when we get back.
KRYTEN
And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable.
KOCHANSKI
I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think
about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that
was the last time Dave had one! <laughs>
[Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an
education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I
might learn something here.
KRYTEN
Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of
penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just
because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'
doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!
LISTER
Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we
get back!
KRYTEN
Two days I've spent, preparing this!
LISTER
Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry.
[Exit LISTER]
KRYTEN
I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our
aniversary too!
[-- x - OB. A forest within the AR simulation ----------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]
KOCHANSKI
'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used
to spend all my time here.
CAT
These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise!
KOCHANSKI
Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.
CAT
I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers
in two!
KOCHANSKI
You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...
LISTER
No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-
restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars.
KOCHANSKI
Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to
understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?
<five young women fade into existance, along with an older, maternal woman>
KOCHANSKI
Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennett. Is it not a most fine day?
MRS BENNETT
'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.
Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome
young friends..?
<girls giggle>
KOCHANSKI
This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.
<girls giggle>
MRS BENNETT
Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later
have tea in Mr Pindley's gazebo?
1ST SISTER
Oh please, ma-ma, can they come?
2ND SISTER
May they, oh, that would be so delightful!
1ST SISTER
Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please!
CAT <to LISTER>
They're so hot they're steamin'!
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
"Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm
gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!
<enters AR simulation>
[-- x - OB. Woodland within AR simulation -------------------------------]
[ALL present, KRYTEN stalking the party]
<we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through
the woodland>
<KRYTEN picks off a straggling sister with blowpipe>
<catches next sister in a rope trap and silences her with the blowpipe>
<tries to bump off next sister with a log swing trap, but misses>
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have
*everyone's* attention...
[-- x - OB. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation --------------------]
[ALL present]
MRS BENNETT
Where on earth have {Dame} Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness!
I'm most vexed!
<girls giggle>
KOCHANSKI
Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll be --
<T-72 rolls out of the lake, Kryten opens hatch and stands up>
KRYTEN
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'!
<fires a round from the tank which decimates the gazebo. When the smoke
clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain>
KRYTEN
Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.
LISTER <quietly>
I didn't know robots *got* PMT!
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The mood is tense]
LISTER
It's nice, Kryts, really nice.
KOCHANSKI
It's really great.
LISTER
In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.
KOCHANSKI
Isn't it great?
LISTER
It's really great.
KOCHANSKI
Really, really great.
CAT
Are we eating the same stuff?
KRYTEN
I don't know *why* I make the effort. No one appreciates the *hours* I
put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-
skeleton.
LISTER
Is there any ketchup?
KRYTEN
Any *what*?
LISTER
Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup...
Just a dollop..?
KRYTEN
Ketchup??
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god...
KRYTEN
You want *ketchup*??
LISTER
Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got *no* class...
KRYTEN
With lobster? You want *brown* ketchup?
LISTER
It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with
a bit of a pep-up...
KRYTEN
I *can't* believe it. I simply cannot b --
<head explodes, showering the diners>
CAT
Oh well done, bud! Now *we'll* have to do the washing up!
KOCHANSKI
He's *literally* blown his top!
Cat, can you go and get a spare head?
CAT
How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to
myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog?
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
<LISTER is fiddling with a spare head. Shortly, he screws the head onto
KRYTEN's shoulders>
LISTER
There. I think that's it; boot him up.
KOCHANSKI
You're *sure* you know what you're doing?
LISTER
Hey...
KRYTEN
Ketchup?? With *lobster*, you want --
<second head explodes violently>
KOCHANSKI
I thought you said you knew what you were doing!
LISTER
No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd
have been: 'hey... no I don't'.
[Enter CAT]
CAT
Any luck?
KOCHANSKI
We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can
tell, nothing's wrong.
CAT
Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?
LISTER
*What* spare heads...
KOCHANSKI
We've blown them all out!
LISTER
Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom
of a fried chicken franchise?
KOCHANSKI
We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality
on disk, but, that's about it...
CAT
Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I
mean, what can you do without a head?
LISTER
Apart from being you? Hardly anything.
KOCHANSKI
We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.
LISTER
I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen?
KOCHANSKI
When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?
LISTER <to CAT>
*Think*. Any clues when it was built?
KOCHANSKI
Which century?
CAT
It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd
century.
Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't
hold me to it.
KOCHANSKI
And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least
going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion:
Hello, wall! What do *you* think?
LISTER
Hang on, hang on...
KOCHANSKI
What're you doing?
LISTER
Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on
their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round
there somewhere.
CAT
Maybe 29th...
[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]
[On-board the Centauri. miscellaneous mech parts scattered around>
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
KOCHANSKI
Look!
<A line of old, dirty mechanoid heads hang from a rail>
<LISTER spots something>
LISTER
Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here!
<noises of something approaching. they hide under a tarpaulin>
LISTER [VO]
Hmm, you smell good...
CAT [VO]
Thanks!
[a simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the bowels of
the derelict ship]
KOCHANSKI
They're all missing their primers.
LISTER
Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate anything human or
humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...
KOCHANSKI
Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... <laugh>
LISTER
[BEAT]
How's that?
KOCHANSKI
Because it's called 'Hu', dummy.
Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't
have been as funny.
Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with
a quip like that.
LISTER
Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...
KOCHANSKI
Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they
don't hate GELFs...
CAT
But, we're not GELFs...
KOCHANSKI
We could be.
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[CAT and KOCHANSKI dressed in GELF suits. KOCHANSKI holds a leash around
LISTERs neck]
LISTER
This is nuts!
KOCHANSKI
We look great! What are you talking about?
LISTER
This is never gonna work.
KOCHANSKI
Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak?
CAT
Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!
LISTER
You *can't* speak GELF...
KOCHANSKI
Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in
the morning and we'll be fine!
Come on, boy...
[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]
[CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!
CAT
There's someone up there!
<CAT and KOCHANSKI call out in thier very fake GELF language>
LISTER
It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing!
[-- x - Int. Room within the centauri ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, CAT present, seated at a table with the SIMULANT. LISTER
present standing, leashed, between the other two Dwarfers]
[KOCHANSKI hacks and coughs in 'GELF', and gestures at a rail of mech heads]
SIMULANT
After spare mech heads, 'ey?
<The SIMULANT appears to suddenly notice LISTER for the first time>
SIMULANT
'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?
CAT
We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.
<KOCHANKSI urgently hacks in GELF>
CAT
I was just tellin' him - no deal.
<Again KOCHANSKI tries to warn CAT>
CAT
Like she says: no deal.
<KOCHANKSI desperately tries to make CAT understand>
CAT
You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that?
SIMULANT
So... you speak Earth, 'ey?
<Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he utters
a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together>
SIMULANT
Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the
'uman.
LISTER
Hey, wait a minute!
<flips coin>
SIMULANT
It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow
about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe -
but never trust 'em, 'ey? Cheers!
<laughs>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
Aw, we've been set up!
CAT
But how??
KOCHANSKI
He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked
the ship!
LISTER <alarmed>
Kryten!
[Exit ALL, running]
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[The medi-bay hasn't escaped attention, either]
[Enter ALL]
LISTER
They've taken his RAM chip, too...
[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a
green body shell]
SIMULANT
'Ere's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive blow back.
ABLE <broad, slightly slurring accent>
Oh wow! Another mech.
SIMULANT
Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your
nipples.
ABLE
Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the
'fix him' option! Deal!
SIMULANT
'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney!
<The SIMULANT bounces an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar
with the force>
ABLE
Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?
<ABLE receives another bash over the head>
ABLE
Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.
SIMULANT
Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip.
[Exit SIMULANT]
<ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs
the bottle into the cavity. As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns
beautific, and he sighs happily. After a short time he removes the bottle
and closes the orifice>
ABLE
Totally tubular!
[FADE}
[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]
[Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with Kryten]
KRYTEN
Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.
Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name?
ABLE
Er, just give me a second, okay?
<ABLE looks distant and appears to tense himself for a moment>
ABLE
I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be
back in no time.
Hang on, here it comes.
Told you it would be quick.
Abel. My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?
ABLE
Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.
KRYTEN
Please, don't bother. Believe me, you *are* a 4000.
ABLE
Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds.
KRYTEN
Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same
motherboard.
ABLE
Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone?
KRYTEN
Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!
ABLE
Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through
the day.
KRYTEN
Well how come you ended up here?
ABLE
Er, hang on.
<Again, ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise>
KRYTEN
What an irritating characteristic...
ABLE
Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.
KRYTEN
'Crashed a bit'?
ABLE
All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then,
after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time
later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic
killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of
ultrazone!
You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?
KRYTEN
I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch ultrazone! It corrupts your
circuit boards!
ABLE
Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence?
[BEAT]
Have I just said that?
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...
CAT
Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us!
KOCHANSKI
Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across
the sector!
LISTER
The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...
CAT
Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...
LISTER
<sigh> We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.
<model shot>
LISTER
This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed!
KOCHANSKI
Precisely.
CAT
Well, why do we wanna do that?
KOCHANSKI
It's totally insane.
LISTER
So why *do* we wanna do it then?
KOCHANSKI
The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the
Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.
CAT
But we haven't.
KOCHANSKI
No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a
rush to get the hell out of here?
CAT
It doesn't make sense.
KOCHANSKI
Exactly.
LISTER
Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri.
KOCHANSKI
Which we haven't.
CAT
So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that
really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we
must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!
KOCHANSKI
Exactly.
LISTER
They've turned around and started tracking us!
CAT
What a fluke!
[-- x - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
LISTER
Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, taking cover behind bulkheads. SIMULANT,
GELF PARTNER, ABLE, KRYTEN present]
SIMULANT
We know about the bomb.
CAT
So we *did* plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.
SIMULANT
Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day
picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.
CAT
Er, can I change into dungarees?
LISTER
Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.
SIMULANT
Clearly, I need to prove myself...
Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access...
The password is '4X2C'...
ABLE
Hang on a minute...
SIMULANT
It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, no!
KRYTEN
Acessing now...
No! It can't be true... It can't...
ABLE
The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a 'zoney.
SIMULANT
Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose - heads or tails?
ABLE
Heads!
<ABLE suddenly removes his head and throws it at the SIMULANT, knocking
him back. LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in the head and knocking him
to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious>
LISTER
Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere
before they get their smeg together!
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present, sitting motionlessly]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a
takaway shaami kebab.
Tell me what you found out about your creator.
KRYTEN
I can't, sir, it's too terrible.
LISTER
Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.
KRYTEN
Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.
LISTER
Like what?
KRYTEN
What about your nickname when you were at school?
LISTER
What nickname?
KRYTEN
I know what it was.
LISTER
I don't think so; no one knows that.
KRYTEN
Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep.
LISTER
It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with
m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she
walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of
a station!
I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got
knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the
truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like
that, double-chalker!
If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me
about you creator.
KRYTEN
Oh, it's so humiliating!
LISTER
Tell me about Professor Mammett!
KRYTEN
Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He
jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in
his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible
buffoon.
LISTER
What happenned to this droid?
KRYTEN
That droid, sir, is me!
LISTER
Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now...
KRYTEN
We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's
revenge.
LISTER
Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why
she was so sad to lose him...
KRYTEN
As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are
stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it
blows! Just like he used to.
LISTER
All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.
KRYTEN
Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest
concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards
ceremony!
LISTER
Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to
ultrazone. He told me - he's promised to quit.
KRYTEN
How could Mammett have done this?
LISTER
Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've
changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now,
I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.
KRYTEN
I've evolved?
LISTER
You bet.
KRYTEN
I've become something that's... beyond a joke?
LISTER
Too right, man.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
There's something coming in from the starboard bow!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
CAT
The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!
LISTER
Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven.
KOCHANSKI
Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid
belt.
CAT
Oh, not an asteroid belt!
KOCHANSKI
Is that a problem?
CAT
It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all
messed up!
KOCHANSKI
So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered??
CAT
Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!
LISTER
I'm taking us in.
KRYTEN
Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence
'till he's convinced we're not there.
[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present]
SIMULANT
I know you're in that belt... somewhere...
One little mistake... and you're mine...
<MONTAGE: once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time
in the mid-section. left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take
a hit of ultrazone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel,
powering up their engines and causing an energy surge>
SIMULANT
The mistake is made...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ABLE present]
[Enter ALL]
LISTER
What happenned, man!?
ABLE
I dunno, I don't know nothin'!
CAT
Clear out of here!
KRYTEN
Leave *him* to me!
[Exit ABLE, KRYTEN]
[-- x - Int. Starbug --------------------------------------------------]
[Enter ABLE, KRYTEN]
ABLE <spaced out and laughing>
Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...
KRYTEN
You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most
basic, fundamental command codes!
ABLE <seriously>
I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present>
LISTER
This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!
KOCHANSKI
I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to
distract him!
CAT
Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works
for me!
LISTER
Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod!
KRYTEN
It's Able!
LISTER
It's heading towards the Sim's ship.
KRYTEN
Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no
brother of mine!
LISTER
He's fired something at them...
CAT
Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.
KRYTEN
The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the
escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.
[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present]
SIMULANT
It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly!
I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate *everything*!
<The Centauri explodes>
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KOCHANSKI
Able's pod just crash-landed.
LISTER
He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...
KRYTEN
With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and
perform last rites.
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod]
LISTER
Do you need a hand, Kryts?
KRYTEN
He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*.
[-- x - Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation --------------------]
[ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from Pride And
Prejudice World]
LISTER
Great anniversary party, Kryters - Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!
<girls giggle>
MRS BENNETT
How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!
KOCHANSKI
Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips.
Curries are an aquired taste...
MRS BENNETT
Oh *nonsense*! Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but
she did, didn't you Jane?
Now, tuck in, girls!
[MRS BENNETT and the girls start eating, their faces showing some suprise]
MRS BENNETT
I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!
1ST SISTER
Oh mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!
2ND SISTER
A most meritorious venture.
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they
just enough time to swallow before...]
KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
AAaarrggg!!
KRYTEN
Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program...
LISTER
I'm on fire!!
CAT
Water!
KOCHANSKI
Somebody help me!
KRYTEN
Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...
[------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Robert Llewellyn; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]
Thursday 1 November 2012
Series 7 Episode 6 - Beyond a Joke
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