Season 7 Episode 1 - Tikka to Ride

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                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7
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                        EPISODE 1 -- TIKKA TO RIDE
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[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]

[For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles 'teaser'.
 From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into
 a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees]

[LISTER present, standing]

LISTER
  Hello?  Testing, 1-2-3.  Hello?

<POV changes back to normal and we see LISTER examining a portable camera
 lying on its side on a bench.  He gives the camera two taps>

LISTER
  Yeess!  Well, here we go.

<LISTER picks up the camera and holds it out in front of him, pointing at
 his head.  He begins to walk through corridors>

  Ship's log... erm... one.  I've decided to keep a journal of life on board
ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity
about myself - in fact I can't even remember the last time I tried to
urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck - no, wait a minute... Friday.  But
apart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with Abe
Lincoln and Moses.
  Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15
years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.
See attached:

<LISTER taps buttons on the camera>

[Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...]

RIMMER
  Another lock!

<The comms channel barks>

LISTER
  Incoming message...

[The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer]

[Small section of original script edited out from TTR]

FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.)
  [...]  Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to
be blasted out of the sky...

[Large script chunk edited out of TTR - the ultimatum, discussion and
 decision to fight; the Dwarfer's succesful opening rounds and, as Lister
 fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the
 feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him
 instantly]

<A second hit destroys Cat's station, blasting him backwards to fall over
 Kryten's panel>

RIMMER
  Cat!!

KRYTEN
  ...Dead... but there may be a -

<A third hit rocks the 'Bug, and the complex equipment behind Kryten's head
 overloads and explodes.  Kryten slumps backwards, lifeless.>

RIMMER
  Kryten...  Kryten!

[Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless
 mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten's shoulders, unable or
 unwilling to accept the truth.]

RIMMER
  There may be a *what*?  A way out of this?  Is *that* what you were gonna
say??  S-Speak, Kryten!  *How* can we change what's happening!?

<Through his despair, an idea hits Rimmer, but from his expression it is
 impossible to tell what he is thinking or feeling.  He turns and stumbles
 from the blasted cockpit into the Mid-section, somehow remembering to pick
 up Lister's bazookoid before kicking open the hatch and charging down to
 Starbug's lower levels.

 Through corridors he runs, the tortured ship shuddering and tearing itself
 apart around him.  A corridor section collapses and a huge bulkhead crashes
 down onto his hardlight back, but Rimmer is oblivious to the pain, one
 thought blotting out all consciousness, he *must* reach the Time Drive.

 Suddenly, he's standing in front of it.  Rimmer raises the bazookoid.
 Loads.  Fires.

 Incandescent light blasts from the ruptured drive, but our perspective
 shifts into space, where a streak of red fire ploughs into the battered
 ship.

 This time, no resistance remains.  Starbug loses it's fragile grip on
 coherency and detonates utterly, with an explosion that matches a thousand
 Death Stars.  When the debris clears, and the light fades, Starbug is
 gone; there is no indication that there was ever anything there...>

[Cut back to Lister making his recording]

LISTER
  We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship -
including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to
have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of
their past selves in the present.
  Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were
dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in
time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.

<As LISTER's speech draws to a close the camera begin to emit a buzzing
 noise.  Suddenly it hisses, throws out sparks and blows up>

[Enter KRYTEN]

LISTER
  Oh smeg!

KRYTEN
  Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??

LISTER
  I just thought I'd give it one more go -

KRYTEN
  D'oh!  That's the third camera this week! The machines just can't take it,
sir.

LISTER
  But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged, despite the
timeline being erased; 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies have
merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.

KRYTEN
  Oh!  Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight
magazine produced by 'Air Belgium'!  Now just state our position and
explain we're down on supplies.

[Exit KRYTEN]

LISTER
  All right!  All right!

[Exit Lister]


[-- 2 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

<Starbug flies by a planet and it's orbiting moon>


[-- 3 - Int. A Starbug console room----------------------------------------]

[Console-mounted camera POV.  Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER
 present, seated in front of console]

LISTER
  This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle 'Starbug'.  We're down on
supplies; we need help.  Out.

<Camera crackles off>  <Pause>  <Camera crackles on>

LISTER
  By the way, we're in space.  Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days
ago, co-ordinates enclosed.

<LISTER taps at a keyboard, then holds up his fingers in an 'O' shape>

LISTER
  It's about *that* shape. You can't miss it.


<RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE>


[-- 4 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug flying through space]

LISTER [VO]
  Ships log, update: Friday, am.  The battle with our future selves has had
the most terrible consequences...


[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot]

LISTER
  Wiped out..?  Kryten, man, they *can't* be...

KRYTEN
  I'm afraid so, sir.  The laser cannon breached the main watertank and
flooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance.

LISTER
  Yeah, but surely --

KRYTEN
  There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.

LISTER
  So, now we've got no poppadoms at all?

KRYTEN
  No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.

<LISTER sags down, clutching his guitar for security>

LISTER
  I'll have to survive without them then...  I'll have salads.

KRYTEN
  Sir!  You're in shock, you don't know what you're saying.

LISTER
  After all it's only curry.

KRYTEN
  'Only curry'?  The enormity of it hasn't sunk in - you must mourn, sir.
Don't you see?  You must mourn.

LISTER
  Curries...

KRYTEN
  Ohhhh sirr, get it out!  Cry like a baby!

LISTER
  What am I gonna do?  Curry night was the one little beacon I had... made
me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;
no woman, no hope, no curry.

KRYTEN
  Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or
advocat. Its a human tragedy!

LISTER
  No lager??

KRYTEN
  Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.

LISTER
  No lager!?

KRYTEN
  *All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even any
wreckage, no debris, zip.

LISTER
  God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!

KRYTEN
  I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face
all happy and smiling, come rain or shine we'd always make time for curry
night. Every Friday.

LISTER
 Saturday.

KRYTEN
  Sunday.

LISTER
  Tuesday.

KRYTEN
  Wednesday.

LISTER
  Thursday.  Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney -

KRYTEN
  Those little onions -

LISTER
  Dill pickle -

KRYTEN
  That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out -

LISTER
  The red stuff that no-one knows what it is -

KRYTEN
  Then a shami kebab starter -

LISTER
  Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on
stand-by.

KRYTEN
  And two scoops of kofi ice-cream.

LISTER
  And two indigestion tablets.  <LISTER sighs heavily>
  Life without curry?  Its like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger
without... that Indian bloke.

KRYTEN
  Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta?

LISTER
  Pasta.  You sick?


[-- 6 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

<Starbug flies between a planet and it's orbiting moon>


[-- 7 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations.  CAT and RIMMER each wear a black
 armband]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
  You know the news?  All the curry supplies have been destroyed.

CAT/RIMMER <pointing at armbands>
  We heard.

RIMMER
  As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a
minute's flatulence.

LISTER
  It's nothing to you guys, is it? It's changing my life!

KRYTEN
  Sirs - the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies
which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%!  We should ascertain that the
new structure is stable.


[-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------]

[ALL present.  They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B.
 Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a
 ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed
 cylinder.  The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue
 construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their
 knees.  They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]

CAT
  So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we
discovered the Time Drive, right?  So what's to stop us going back on board
the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?

RIMMER
  We have to avoid all forms of time travel; its the only way of breaking
our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.

LISTER
  Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful?  You know, if
we don't abuse it the way our future selves did?  You know, if we're
sensible and mature.

RIMMER
  And do what?

LISTER
  Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.

KRYTEN
  Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!

CAT
  All your hallmarks, bud!

LISTER
  Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our
problems are over.

CAT
  *Your* problems are over?  Our problems are just beginning.

KRYTEN
  What about causality?  Interfering in the past no matter how minutely
always alters the present.  Cause, and effect!

LISTER <intently>
  Look, I'm a curry-aholic!  I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*
*curry*.

RIMMER
  We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where
it is.

CAT
  You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester
tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.

LISTER
  Oh *okay*. Okay.


[-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------]

[ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit
 convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily.  The Dwarfers begin to walk
 along another cylindrical corridor]

KRYTEN
  Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to
off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?

CAT
  How come you need more memory?  Over the years, you've had more RAM than a
field of sheep!

KRYTEN
  My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir.  The ability to
sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority.  For most
cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.

LISTER
  This clean up thing - how does it work exactly?

KRYTEN
  I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted
files into its trashfile.

LISTER <thoughtfully>
  Your RAM's in your head, isn't it?  So you won't actually be using your
body, then?

KRYTEN <confused>
  Why do you ask?

LISTER
  Just interested.  Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it.

[ALL exit]


[-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------]

[LISTER present.  His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences
 it.  Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs
 out of bed and leaves]


[-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is
 connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a
 phone handset.  LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he
 places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and
 sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and
 screws it on to KRYTEN's body.  KRYTEN's eyes pop open]

KRYTEN 
  My heavens - I'm head head!

<LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTEN's mouth and pulls the chair away from the
 desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him>

LISTER <urgently>
  Shh!  It's only temporary.

KRYTEN <sotto voce>
  I don't understand.

LISTER
  Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt.  Kryten said "no way";
what do *you* say?

KRYTEN
  I can't go behind Kryten's head; what would he say if he found out?  It's
deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.

<Kryten pauses; glances around conspiratorially>

  I'm in!  Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll
have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.

LISTER
  Okay, show me how.

KRYTEN
  Press the 'skull release' catch behind my right ear.

<LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTEN's head and props it up like the bonnet of
 a car>

LISTER
  Okay, here we go...

<SHOT: He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from
 it, placing it in a kidney bowl>

KRYTEN
  My guilt chip.
  No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!!


[-- 11 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug does a fly-by between two planets]


[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a
 clipboard.  KRYTEN stands nearby, with an egg-whisk attachment plugged into
 his groinal socket]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
  Hey, that smells good - what's for brekkie?

KRYTEN <now speaking in a much broader drawl>
  Waffles, sir!  Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the
side, coated in cheese!  

CAT
  That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!

KRYTEN
  Healthy?  Who cares??  Pork away!

<KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips
 from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach
 his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying
 everywhere>

LISTER <with emphasis>
  So, um, Kryten - now that you've had time to think, what about that curry
hunt to the 22nd century?

KRYTEN
  Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes.  I over-reacted yesterday; on
reflection, I think it'd be quite safe.

<Kryten takes out a small packet from his attachment belt>

CAT
  Safe?

RIMMER
  What about causality?

KRYTEN
  Causality?  Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a
smeg!"

<As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a ciggarette
 from the packet and lights up>

LISTER
  Okay, I think what Kryten's trying to say is --

CAT <pointing, amazed, at KRYTEN>
  You're smoking!

KRYTEN
  Oh, is my generator overheating again?

RIMMER
  A cigarette!

KRYTEN <confused>
  Do you want one?

RIMMER
  Of course I don't want one!

KRYTEN
  Do you want me to go outside?

LISTER <hurriedly changing the subject>
  I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's okay to go back in time,
and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go. Isn't that right?

<KRYTEN swings his dangling attachment up over his shoulder>

KRYTEN
  You bet your ass!

LISTER

  Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it!  Kryten, can I
have a word...

[Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...>


[-- 13 - Int. Starbug galley ----------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER enter]

LISTER
  What is *wrong* with you?  You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass",
and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!

KRYTEN
  I didn't get any error commands!

LISTER
  Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you {spanner?}!  Now get a grip
or we'll be rumbled.

<LISTER punctuates with KRYTEN's egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant
 spin>

[Exit LISTER]

KRYTEN
  So uptight!

<KRYTEN picks up a Cinzano Bianco bottle and swigs down its contents>


[-- 14 - Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 -----------------------------]

[Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick
 their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor]

<KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an in-your-face type of
 song>

[Exit KRYTEN]

RIMMER
  What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?

LISTER
  He's got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations.  It's only
temporary.


[-- 15 - Int. Gemini Engine Room ------------------------------------------]

[They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash
 which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12
 orbits.  A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room]

[ALL present]

LISTER
  Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.

<LISTER crosses to the machinery and pulls a piece out>

[Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the
 Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN]

LISTER
  Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC
building in London.  Back table; quiet.

KRYTEN
  I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls -

RIMMER
  But you've used it before?

KRYTEN
  Have I?

<KRYTEN receives a discreet thump from LISTER>

KRYTEN
  Oh, yes, of course I have.  Sorry.  How stupid of me. <ahem>  Just
programming it now, matey boy.

<KRYTEN taps buttons on the controller>


[-- 16 - OB. Day. Broadway in an American city ----------------------------]

[MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and
 waving, tickertape filling the air.  A large entourage is rolling down the
 street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo
 which has small flags fluttering from its fenders.  A well-dressed man sits
 in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the
 crowds.

 Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind.  He has a gun; a
 high-power rifle, into which he loads a round.  He takes careful and steady
 aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession.  Panic
 breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly
 re-loads.

 He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling
 red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people.  Two are dressed in
 silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a
 comparitively normal uniform.

 One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking
 the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.

 LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed
 gunman.]

RIMMER <sarcastically>
  Nice landing, Kryten - that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.

KRYTEN
  Apologies, sir, I'm - ah, I'm not sure what I did then.

LISTER
  This isn't right, where are we?

KRYTEN <consulting device>
  Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963,
and we're in the city of Dallas.

CAT
  How come?  Gimme that thing!

<The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is
 trying to climb back up.  SHOT: fingertips inching over the sill>

CAT
  I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds
of gizmos...

<Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the
 gunman's fingers>

CAT
  Hmm, Dallas, '63 - no doubt about it.

[Scene cuts to outside the building]

<FX: Sirens wail are wailing in the street below.  After freeing his
 fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window>

[Cut back inside]

LISTER
  Dallas?  Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated?

RIMMER
  JFK.

LISTER
  No, it was John something - not 'Jeff Kay'...

RIMMER
  J - F - K, not 'Jeff Kay', you gimboid; like the airport.  I did a paper
on him at school.

LISTER
  I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?

RIMMER
  The airport was named *after* the president.

LISTER
  All right!

[Scene again cuts to outside the building]

<FX: Sirens, crowd.  The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the
 jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them.  As he
 straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he
 pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it
 around himself>

[Cut back to interior]

CAT
  Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?

KRYTEN
  Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman's location was in
the 'Texas Book Depository'.

<As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the
 floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: 'Texas Book Depository'>

[Cut to Ext.]

<The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window
 further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in>

[Cut back to Int.]

RIMMER
  It was probably from this very window!

LISTER
  What, do you reckon?

<Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out,
 just as Oswald climbs through the other window.  Lister notices the cable
 and tugs on it experimentally>

LISTER
  Hey, what's this?
  Hey, there's something on the end of this, giz a hand!  

<Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on
 the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him>

LISTER
  Pull, everyone, or I'm in trouble!

<The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tug-of-war, but they are
 still yanked forward.  Lister piles into the raised window panes, the
 others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable.
 Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level>

LISTER <recovering and peering out of the window with the others>
  Hey, what's going on down there?  What're all those people doing gathered
around that giant pizza?

KRYTEN
  That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.

LISTER
  It's 8 foot across, man - don't you think that's giant?  What kind of
pizza house have you been going to?  'The FatBastoria'?

CAT
  Hey, look at this!

<Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald.  The others seperate and Cat
 brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street>

CAT
  I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!

<As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their
 room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in
 a suit, charge in.>

MAN
  FBI!  Drop the gun!

<CAT does so hastily>

CAT
  Don't shoot!

FBI AGENT
  Hands on heads!

<LIATER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much
more important groinal area>

FBI AGENT
  You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly
tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president.  Thanks to
Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.

COP <spotting the Time Drive>
  What is that?  Some kind of weapon?  Kick it over here!

<KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with
 his boot.  Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a
 moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets
 breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare.
 To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left
 on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears - the officers
 succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet.

 The perspective shifts.  It's the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop
 are gone.>

LISTER
  Ohhhh!  Nice one, Kryts.

RIMMER
  Where are we?

KRYTEN <examining Time Drive>
  It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.

RIMMER
  At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.

<CAT, having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle,
 crosses to the window and looks out>

CAT
  Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...


[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[ALL present.  They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which
 is completely devoid of any signs of life.  Abandoned vehicles line the
 side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around.  In the back of one
 of the cars is an discarded newspaper - it's headline reads: "Millions flee
 from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand]

LISTER
  I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.

CAT
  Is that bad?  What kind of a dude was he?

RIMMER
  He was a fine man.


[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the
 previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies
 undisturbed on the pavement]

[ALL enter, CAT leading]

CAT 
  Look!

LISTER
  Can you get anything for us from his scent?

<Cat sniffs along the man's body>

CAT
  Male.

<He sniffs again>

  Mid-thirties.

RIMMER
  It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.

<As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the
 man's suit.  He picks it up and begins to scan it>

KRYTEN
  Just processing.

<KRYTEN's eyes flick quickly over the text>

  I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor:

[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's
 monitor]

KRYTEN [VO]
  "President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia
   boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,
   Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, '65.
   J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,
   who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy."

LISTER
  So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?

KRYTEN [partial VO]
  "Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base
   in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the
   States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people
   fled from all the major cities."

<The Dwarfers leave the body and continue along the street>

CAT
  So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit?  Cos I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!

RIMMER
  Back to Starbug.

KRYTEN
  Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist.

CAT
  What?

RIMMER
  How come?

KRYTEN
  Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American
nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was
probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.

CAT
  So we're marooned.

LISTER
  *How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all
this.

CAT
  But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!

KRYTEN
  He was!

RIMMER
  He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary.  They
never came out when he was alive.

KRYTEN
  Every man has his weak spot - his 'Achilles heel'.

RIMMER
  Kennedy's was just, higher up.

LISTER
  If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and
finished the Cinzano.
  Kryten, what've I done, man?

KRYTEN <unconcerned>
  Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,
sir.  Gum?

LISTER
  What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much
warmth as a service station chip!  That's right, you've no behaviour
protocols, have you.

RIMMER <approaching KRYTEN balefully>
  Any you thought causality didn't matter?  Every action we take, has
trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

KRYTEN
  Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*.  I've got no guilt.

<At this, LISTER realises the game is up>

LISTER
  Ah.  I nicked Kryten's body.  That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt
chip.

RIMMER
  You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century
onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of
all --

LISTER
  I know, I know; I *still* haven't had a curry.

KRYTEN
  No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.

RIMMER
  Let me see.

<Rimmer takes the Drive and gives it a cursory examination>

  Do you think its because the sub-space conduits have locked with the
transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has
overloaded the time matrix?

KRYTEN
  Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.

CAT
  So what now?

RIMMER
  <sigh>  We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it.  I suggest
we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for
some food?

KRYTEN
  I'm on my way, sir!

[Exit KRYTEN]


[-- 19 - OB. Night. Around a campfire -------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.
 RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched
 their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]

RIMMER
  It's hopeless, I can't fix it.  We're trapped...

<Rimmer drops the time drive down by the edge of the fire>

CAT
  Chicken's good.

LISTER
  Yeah, really good.

KRYTEN
  That's not chicken, sir.

CAT
  Oh, what is it?

KRYTEN
  It's that man we found.

<LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to
 poison...>

  Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue
so beautifully.

RIMMER
  <sniggers quietly>

KRYTEN
  Did I do wrong?  I didn't get any error commands...  

<LISTER and CAT let their half-chewed mouthfuls dribble out in disgust>

  Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral
imperatives, I have nothing to guide me.  But it seemed to me that if
humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise
they'd just be picking on the chicken.

RIMMER <highly amused>
  One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.

LISTER
  I said I was enjoying that!

CAT <abosutely horrified>
  I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god... 

LISTER
  I'm a cannibal!

<Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the
 fire.  It's obviously 'thawed out'>

RIMMER
  Look!

CAT
  Right, lets get out of here!  I badly need to floss a piece of roasted
dead person out of my teeth!

RIMMER
  Where to?

KRYTEN
  Hawaii.  Let's catch some surf!

LISTER
  No, no, we've got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the
assassination.

CAT
  I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner!


[-- 20 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------]

[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker.  Tense music
 plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.]

[Enter OSWALD]

<KRYTEN, with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his
 head with one hand.  Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case
 he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face>

CAT
  Decorators.  Try up on the sixth floor.

[Exit OSWALD]

<With the gunman gone, the Dwarfers move to the window to view the street>

KRYTEN
  Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in.  When they
realise their mistake they'll beam out again.  I propose *we* go down to the
fourth.


[-- 21 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------]

[ALL enter.  A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]

<From outside we hear a gunshot, and the Dwarfers rush to the window>

LISTER
  First shot!

<...a second and third shot rings out.  Again, there is noise and commotion
 from the street below>

[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]

CAT
  It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed!

RIMMER
  How come?

KRYTEN
  He's right, sir.  By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the
trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him.

RIMMER
  Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.

LISTER
  We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there
as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.

CAT
  We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl
scratching her butt.

LISTER <scanning the street from out of the window>
  If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind
that little hill over there covered in lawn...

KRYTEN
  You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?

LISTER
  That'd solve it, wouldn't it?

CAT
  Shoot the pres??  Who?

RIMMER
  You can count me out.

CAT
  And me.

[Cut to inside of room]

LISTER
  Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this
mess.

RIMMER
  Where are we going?

LISTER
  Idlewild airport, July, '65...


[-- 22 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------]

<We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded
 into the back of a prison truck.  As police lock up tyhe truck, the
 Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.>

[ALL present]

LISTER
  This is right.  He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.
Give me *five minutes*.

<LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out]


[-- 23 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------]

[JFK present]

[Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]

LISTER
  Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.

[FADE.  Time passes.  Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]

JOHN F. KENNEDY
  I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.
In all important respects I believe I did a good job.  It was right to plan
a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight
congress, ah, to put a man on the moon.  It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,
act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies
to wreak havoc on our nation.

LISTER
  But I can help, man.  I mean, Mr. President, man.  I mean, sir.

KENNEDY
  How, ah, can you help?

LISTER
  Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman.  The
gunman behind the grassy knoll.

KENNEDY
  You mean, assassinate myself?

LISTER
  Yeah!  It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it
out.

KENNEDY
  But I, ah, still have a future here.  Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get
out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.

LISTER
  See this airport, Idlewild airport?  In our reality they renamed it 'JFK',
after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person
you should be. If you're gonna be that person, you're gonna have to
sacrifice your life.

KENNEDY
  And only then will my reputation be restored in history?

LISTER
  Mm.  And I can get a smeggin' curry.

KENNEDY <distantly>
  Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your
country.

LISTER
  Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.

KENNEDY
  It did.  Heh heh.


[-- 24 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------]

[All present.  JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman's uniforms]

<JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down.  LISTER
 hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street
 meaningfully>

[MONTAGE.  We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald
 lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and
 JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road.  Oswald
 fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before.  This time,
 however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot
 moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty
 mess on Jackie O's suit...

 Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable
 beyond that]

KENNEDY
  I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.

<JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars.  After a

 short time, he fades from reality.  The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against
 a high fence that looks out onto the street>

LISTER
  Smeg!  I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!

<CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances.  CAT makes a subtle gesture with
 his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of
 one person...  CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently.
 As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to
 the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one
 with everything they've got.  The nightstick that Kryten carries come in
 particularly useful...>


[------------------------- END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" -------------------------]