Season 8 Episode 8, Only the Good.

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                        EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 1.01
                            7 - 9 April, 1999
                        Last updated: 19 May, 1999
                         Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                         http://www.matrixcity.org


[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]

[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and
 slices by the camera]


[-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--]

[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]

  "Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -
  Survivors one.

  Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe."

[A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced
 with:]

  "by Chamelionic Mycrobe."

[A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced
 with the much simpler:]

  "by shape changing weird space thing.

  Non essential electrics all down,
  including spell checker.

  Massage ends."


[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--]

[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It
 approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well]


[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--]

[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits
 upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]

  "6 hours later"

[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery
 substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the
large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork
of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]


[-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--]

[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and
 white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed
 in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and
 the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in...

[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in...

[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and
 knocks again]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in!...

[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Can I come in, sir?
  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?
  Your hot lemon, sir.

[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]

HOLLISTER
  God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around
my cheeks.

RIMMER
  Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
  Yes, I'm sure it was, because -

[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]

RIMMER
  Let me tuck you in, sir.

HOLLISTER
  How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?

RIMMER
  Enjoying it, sir.
  Some directives for you to sign, sir:

[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]

HOLLISTER
  What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing
in here?

[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his
 face]

RIMMER
  Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You
can't rely on anyone these days, can you!

[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks
 to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed]

RIMMER
  I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an
officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than
anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the
person I admire the most.

HOLLISTER
  Another ambition achieved...

RIMMER
  You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?

HOLLISTER
  Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry,
you're just not officer material.

RIMMER
  'Not officer material', sir??

HOLLISTER
  If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find
something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.

RIMMER
  Like what, sir?

[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]

RIMMER
  So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?

[HOLLISTER croaks words]

[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing
 black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]

WOMAN
  They said it was okay to drop by...

HOLLISTER
  Talia?? We-ll, hi!

[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]

RIMMER
  Hi!

[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the
 CAPTAIN]

HOLLISTER
  Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...

TALIA
  I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!

HOLLISTER
  Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.

TALIA
  You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got
goosebumps.

RIMMER
  The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I
turn it so it's facing the wall?

HOLLISTER
  Dismissed, Rimmer.

RIMMER
  Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
  Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?

[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]

RIMMER
  Packet of three..?

[Exit RIMMER]

[TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN
 glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]


[-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room]

RIMMER
  Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.

[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]

RIMMER
  He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going
gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.

[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of
 thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's
 credit slot]

RIMMER
  He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...

[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops
 into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]

RIMMER
  Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!

[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his
 coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over
 the machine]

DISPENSER
  Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed
without payment.

[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit]

DISPENSER
  A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
  Shut up!

DISPENSER
  No, shan't. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
  If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll
drown.

DISPENSER
  Take your hand off m' speaker then.

RIMMER
  Promise to shut up?

DISPENSER
  Promise.

[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]

DISPENSER
  Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction
on floor three-four-one. Alert -

[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers
 into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-
 backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots
 and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that
 they cover the speaker grille]

DISPENSER
  Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able
to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also
know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your
taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear
your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!

[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on
 his trousers nervously]

RIMMER
  I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
 with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does
 not see him approach]

RIMMER
  What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my
bed?
  "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer..?

[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]

HOLLISTER
  You forgot your tray...

RIMMER
  Thank you, sir.

[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]

DISPENSER
  He stole some chocolate! He stole s -

[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back
 to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then
 thinks better of it and heads back to his room]

[Exit HOLLISTER]

DISPENSER
  You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will
*destroy* you...

RIMMER
  And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.

[Exit RIMMER]


[-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]

[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]

CAT
  It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock!
  My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw
it away it'd come back!
  Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do
they give me?

KRYTEN
  Er, something to do with rocks, sir?

CAT
  Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock
albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every
forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck!
  Probation's killing me, buds..!

[Exit CAT]

[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN
 carries]

LISTER
  What's that?

KRYTEN
  Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]

LISTER
  What, a calendar?

KRYTEN
  Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she
said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
  I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just
leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was
careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of
proportion.

LISTER
  A little word in your audio receiver:

[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments.
They separate]

KRYTEN
  And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you
never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of
the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

LISTER
  Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.


[-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a
 double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that
 proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"]

KRYTEN
  Ta-daaaa!
  Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.

[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with
 green ribbons]

KRYTEN
  A little present ma'am.

[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]

KRYTEN
  All gift-wrapped.
  I hope I chose the right size...

KOCHANSKI
  Dave told you to do this, didn't he.

KRYTEN

  Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.

KRYTEN
  He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.

[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]

KOCHANSKI
  Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a
little twirl in it?

[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten, how can I put this..?

KRYTEN
  Is there something wrong, ma'am?

[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]

KRYTEN
  He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a
woman is having a...

[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]

KRYTEN
  Is the banner wrong, too?

[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah.

KRYTEN
  He was lying!
  I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?

KRYTEN
  Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few
days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in
tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not
forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.

KOCHANSKI
  Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!

KRYTEN
  Right, here's my idea...

[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing
 exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]


[-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle
 is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]

LISTER
  That's Holl, he must want something.

[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]

HOLLY [on viewscreen]
  Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider
information.
  There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under
  your hat.

[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
  Cell inspection in ten minutes.

[Exit GUARD]

[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]


[-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--]

[HOLLY present]

[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]

HOLLY
  Told you.


[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
  Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.


[-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.


[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
  If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of
information *way* before it got into the public domain?


[-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've
also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in
there that'll make your hair stand on end...

[-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
  What stuff?


[-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some,
let me know.
  As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.


[-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
  See you in about twenty-five years, then.

[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]

[Exit HOLLY]

[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]

LISTER
  This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.

RIMMER
  You've got a scar? When did you get that?

LISTER
  Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know,
er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally
stabbed m'self in the head with one.

RIMMER
  Where were you?

LISTER
  I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.

RIMMER
  That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar.

[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]

LISTER
  Where did you get that?

RIMMER
  From a fight, years ago. Duel.

LISTER
  A duel? You? Get out of town!

RIMMER
  Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine
attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the
coolest bicycle clips.
  I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow
t-shirts for a week.

[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]

RIMMER
  Why's that going off?

[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the
 machine has just printed]

RIMMER
  It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".

LISTER
  Another note...
  "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss
Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch
and hide it in... your shower"!
  "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched,
and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!!

[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]

RIMMER
  Oh my god!

LISTER
  Oh god!

RIMMER
  What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes!
We're on probation!

LISTER
  Down the loo; down the sink.

[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents
 into it]

RIMMER
  Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!

LISTER
  The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!

RIMMER
  But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from
*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right
nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.

[A warning light flashes above LISTER's head]

LISTER
  Smeg, the tank's full!

RIMMER
  What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!

LISTER
  We're gonna have to drink it.

RIMMER
  Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A
  bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.

LISTER
  It'll put hairs on your chest.

RIMMER
  It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's
lethal.

LISTER
  Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin'.

RIMMER
  Have we got any mixers?

LISTER
  You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it
down your gob!

[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle
 slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his
 chair]

RIMMER
  What's it like?

LISTER
  It's okay...

[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to
 tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at
 the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the
 side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]


[-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--]

[A plain black screen. Text appears:]

  "5 minutes sshhlater..."


[-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has
 changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking
 decidedly ill]

[Enter ACKERMAN]

ACKERMAN
  In-spec-tion!

[ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at
 them]

ACKERMAN
  On your feet...

[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments
 later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]

ACKERMAN
  Stand by your bunks...

[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves
upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,
grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in
front of the bunks]

ACKERMAN
  You're drunk.

LISTER
  Drunk, shir?

[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]

LISTER
  No, sir.

RIMMER
  Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.

[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]

ACKERMAN
  Who fancies a kebab?

LISTER
  Oh yeah!

RIMMER
  Me, sir, me!

LISTER
  Oh smeg... he's shticked us.

[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and
 giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]

LISTER
  Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go
back for seconds, sir.

[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls
 asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]

ACKERMAN
  Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.

[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]

ACKERMAN
  Super-suck...


[-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--]

[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]

[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]

KOCHANSKI
  It's Baxter...

[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table]

BAXTER
  Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and
there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...

[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes
 them in his fists. He giggles insanely]

CAT
  You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
  That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!

[Exit BAXTER]

KRYTEN
  What've I done!?


[-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s]

RIMMER
  Uaaahhhhh...

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an
attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,
KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's
head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]

KOCHANSKI
  Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.

KRYTEN
  Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a
ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!

RIMMER
  Where's the Cat?

KRYTEN
  He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.


[-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--]

[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from
 trays]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
 of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious
 annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at
 CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man
 previously in the middle of the three prisoners]

CAT
  Pass the salt, would you?

[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from
 the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,
 the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to
 the prisoner sat at the end of the table]

CAT
  That guy there took some of your fries.

[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner
anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT
helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares
at CAT again]

BIG MEAT
  What in the hell are you doin' -

[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut]

BIG MEAT
  - Shirley?

[CAT glances at the man's large stomach]

CAT
  I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.

[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more
mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his
sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's
hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon
down onto the tray]

CAT
  Mmm. This is good. Tasty.

[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]

BIG MEAT
  There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes
you think you can diss me and live?

CAT
  Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're
my bitch!

[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who
 simply stares at him in amazement]

BIG MEAT
  Your what?

CAT
  B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!
Understand?

[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]

[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]

BIG MEAT
  Okay!

CAT
  What?

BIG MEAT
  Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be
your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir!

CAT
  You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?

BIG MEAT
  No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,
sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!

CAT
  Then hit me!

[CAT offers his jaw desperately]

BIG MEAT
  And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!

[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
 as much as he can, panic on his face]

CAT
  Damn!


[-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--]

[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]

[Exit NURSE]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking
behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see
what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility
dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's
bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes
closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise]

CAT
  We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!

LISTER
  What's so special about five o'clock?

CAT
  Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!


[-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the
 corridor and the Dwarfers file out]


[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
 towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
 gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
 section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN
  The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER
  How?

RIMMER
  The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one
Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER
  We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER
  But what about our escape?

LISTER
  It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got
a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER
  You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI
  No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER
  Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.


[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]

[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
 and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER
  Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As
you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about
that in the internal mail.


[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
 Starbug transport craft stream away]


[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark
 brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN
  Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT
  So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!

KRYTEN
  We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.

LISTER
  Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT
  So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]
  There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI
  A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to
this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.


[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
 of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
 streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The
 light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
 concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
 the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN
  If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
 right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]


[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
 the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
 that its contents have turned white]


[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
 of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,
 finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]


[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
 He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]


[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
 spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN
  It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT
  At last, things are looking up!

LISTER
  How long's it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN
  Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.


[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
 showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
 a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls
 melodramatically.

 There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
 to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER
 finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]


[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]


[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
 RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles
 sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER
  Can I come in, sir?
  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?
  Here's your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the
 insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]

RIMMER
  Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

M.HOLLISTER
  Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER
  Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER
  A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales
 loudly]

M.HOLLISTER
  Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...

RIMMER
  Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER
  Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER
  No, I don't think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to
 control the pen properly]

RIMMER
  Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER
  My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA
  They said it was okay to drop by...
  You look wonderful...

RIMMER
  So do you...
  [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER
  Yes, sir.

M.TALIA
  You made Captain -

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA
  You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

RIMMER
  So have I!

M.TALIA
  Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
 his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
 away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
 her]

M.TALIA
  What are you doing!?

RIMMER
  I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA
  But I'm your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER
  Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...

M.TALIA
  You French-kissed me!

RIMMER
  No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...
I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER
  Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
  Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down
here and give'us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully
 and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA
  Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER
  Sis! Sister... whoever you are!
  Oh, smeg!


[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
 universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
 blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI
  Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]

RIMMER
  I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI
  You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey
brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
 hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT
  Somebody call?

RIMMER
  Professor!?

M.CAT
  Yes, Captain?

RIMMER
  Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

M.CAT
  Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more
and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT
  Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER
  Oh yes? What's it called?

M.CAT
  Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
  You look surprised.

RIMMER
  I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT
  Certainly.
 [To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?


[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
 left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light
 from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER
  The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.


[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
 ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
 trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
 around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in
 panic]

RIMMER
  Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER
  They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes
you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER
  Smeg off!


[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is
 off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t