Season 8, Episode 6. Pete Part 1

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                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
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                         EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1
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                               Version 0.4
                              26 March, 1999
                         Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                         http://www.matrixcity.org

 Credits for corrections:
   Brett Dunbar


[-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]

[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]

HOLLISTER
  I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected
officer yesterday.

RIMMER
  That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -
  Oh, I *see*...

HOLLISTER
  What happenned?

LISTER
  We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his
asthma inhaler, sir.

HOLLISTER
  Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for
being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's
wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...

RIMMER
  Permission to snigger, sir?

HOLLISTER
  Permission refused.

RIMMER
  May have to snigger anyway, sir...

[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]

HOLLISTER
  Do either of you have anything to say?

LISTER
  About what, sir?

HOLLISTER
  About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?

LISTER
  Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.

HOLLISTER
  You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to
get out? Ever?

LISTER
  It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.

ACKERMAN
  I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but
most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered
the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*
who didn't have my start in life.

RIMMER
  Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:


[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined
 up at the base of a circular chamber]

ACKERMAN
  Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of
trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor
13.

CAT
  Seems like a nice guy!

[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him
 several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]

ACKERMAN
  If you want to speak, ask my permission.

CAT
  I was just saying how nice you seemed!

ACKERMAN
  You spoke again.

[Enter WARDEN KNOT]

[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing
 winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]

CAT
  But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to
be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you
sometimes get running around prisons.

[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this
 soon passes in favour of an amused smile]

ACKERMAN
  You spoke again!

[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear
 of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the
 shoulder]

CAT
  Come on, dude, back me up!

[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT
 suddenly realises something]

CAT
  Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop
hitting me.

[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly
 his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back
 onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at
 working out this conundrum]

CAT
  That is definitely the key!

[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second
 GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]

ACKERMAN
  That is totally untrue, sir!

HOLLISTER
  Save it.

ACKERMAN
  What actually happenned -

HOLLISTER
  Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
  I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up
with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a
team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -

ACKERMAN
  God bless you, sir.

HOLLISTER
  - where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate
population.

RIMMER
  But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

HOLLISTER
  You better win, then!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]
[Half-time sounds]
[Score 48-3 to guards]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Okay guys, way to go!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN
  Where were you?

KOCHANSKI
  Where was I?

KRYTEN
  You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

KOCHANSKI
  I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.

KRYTEN
  Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.

CAT
  Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!

LISTER
  Got it all taken care of...

RIMMER
  As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...

LISTER
  Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for
us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their
love lives?

KRYTEN
  'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?

LISTER
  That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.

RIMMER
  Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't
wear off for seven hours.

KRYTEN
  For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN [OOS]
  That's going to seriously slow them down.

CAT [OOS]
  You're not kidding -

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT
  Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Go on, go get 'em!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move
 fast]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Come on! Get your hands up!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[48-5]
[48-19]
[48-36]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[48-42]
[48-49]
[48-53]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of
 juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his
 trousers]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]

HOLLISTER
  Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the
toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a
lift!
  Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

LISTER
  Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
  How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.

LISTER
  It was, er - [coughs]
  It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab
for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't
accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.

HOLLISTER
  First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my
sight, both of ya's...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-
 hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]

RIMMER
  Ha!

[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before
 settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on
 his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]

LISTER
  Sheesh...

RIMMER
  Stuck?

LISTER
  Yeah... God, this is hard!

RIMMER
  What are you doing, a crossword?

LISTER
  No, join-the-dots.

RIMMER
  What number are you stuck on?

LISTER
  Hundred and twenty-four.

RIMMER
  Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...
  Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?

LISTER
  I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm
not some brain-dead simpleton.
  Ah! There it is.
  Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!

[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]

LISTER
  Look at that, it's clever that, innit?

[Enter GUARD]

RIMMER
  Ah! Supper!

[Exit GUARD]

RIMMER
  Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

RIMMER
  I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a
total idiot would eat this.

[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]

RIMMER
  They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat
would taste better than this.

LISTER
  We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

RIMMER
  Because we're on punishment detail?

LISTER
  Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have
gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

RIMMER
  You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.

LISTER
  He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

RIMMER
  Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.

LISTER
  His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.

RIMMER
  Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every
time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they
don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for
fear of skid starts.

[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]

LISTER
  He's probably right.

RIMMER
  Course he isn't.

LISTER
  Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

RIMMER
  I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let
you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your
cheese.

LISTER
  Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath
are always so cheap.

RIMMER
  Cos of all the flushing planes?

LISTER
  Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav